Tips on Parenting

A major part of good communication between parent and child is active listening. But, what is ACTIVE listening? It means not merely staring at the child while he or she talks, but actively taking in what is said and exploring its meaning.

The mechanics of active listening are simple, though a parent may need to remind him or herself of them when interrupted during a busy day.

Focus on the child’s eyes, but keep aware of the child’s posture and movements, tone, rhythm and other physical factors. Stifle – for a few moments, at least – the urge to immediately respond with a ‘quick fix’ or piece of advice. Often, the goal isn’t problem resolution as much as simply hearing what the child has to say. Like adults, children want to be heard.

With active listening a parent is positioning him or herself to carry out another important aspect of communication: echoing back what has been said. But ‘echoing’ doesn’t mean ‘parroting’. In order to truly hear, you have to engage the brain, not just the ears. Reflecting back what has been said, in the parents own words, demonstrates that not only has the child been heard, but – more importantly – understood.

Sympathy may or may not be part of the equation. A parent does not have to feel obligated to be sympathetic to a child’s expression of a desire to punch a sibling. But neither should one be immediately dismissive of any expression of ‘negative’ thoughts or feelings. Responses such as ‘You don’t really mean that’ may be true and honest, but they are not always helpful.

It isn’t necessary to be morally or emotionally neutral, simply objective. Before words – and the thoughts and feelings behind them – can be evaluated, they have to be understood.

Some conversations will be spontaneous. But parents have lives, too. They can’t reasonably be expected to instantly drop everything they are doing. Those goals may well be important to both them and the child, even though the child may not be able to grasp that.

Still it’s important to both parent and child to be open to hearing the child when he or she has something to say. Too many ‘tell me later’ episodes will erode trust and the child’s interest in communicating.

Fortunately, there are creative ways to deal with this dilemma.

For those old enough to do so, one method may involve having the child write out thoughts and feelings and place it in a cookie jar or send it via email. This should be reserved for those times when the parent is unavailable due to work and other important activities. It should not be a regular occurrence, lest it become a way of avoiding face-to-face communication.

However the listening is carried out, it’s important to allow the child the freedom to express him or herself completely. Any subject or viewpoint should be allowed.

Once again, it isn’t necessary to be morally or emotionally neutral to any and every statement. But children don’t always have the moral knowledge or experience of adults. What an adult knows instantly to be wrong, a child must learn – preferably from an active listening adult.

Few things in the life of a family are as traumatic as when it alters through divorce. Each individual involved is often confused, angry, feeling betrayed and uncertain about what comes next.

Making the transition even more difficult, there will be many practical changes that affect both parents and children. Living arrangements will alter, incomes may well change and there will often now be only one adult to take on both work and home responsibilities. Dealing with those common and real-life issues is doubly difficult when emotions are running high.

Though seldom is the process painless, there are many things that can ease the transition for children.

Parents engaged in divorce proceedings will understandably be angry with one another. Pretending it isn’t so isn’t helpful to them or to their children. But anger can be present, and honestly expressed, without controlling every action.

It should be made clear, in age-appropriate terms, that the anger isn’t caused by nor directed at the children. Nor should the anger one spouse feels for another be allowed to spill over into using children as bargaining chips or instruments of revenge.

Disagreements will arise over money, housing, child custody and support, and a host of other thorny issues. These should all be handled with children out of earshot whenever possible. Depending on the age of the children involved, it can be helpful to ask them what they would like to see happen. Most will just wish the divorce wasn’t happening. But children can be realistic, too.

Allowing children to express their feelings and wishes, even when those wishes can’t or shouldn’t be fulfilled, will give them a sense of being understood. To the extent possible, children also need some sense of control over their environment. Allowing them to arrange things as they like in new circumstances is one small way this need can be met.

It’s essential that parents make clear that the divorce is the result of unresolvable issues between the parents, and has nothing to do with any actions of the child. It’s equally important that they be helped to understand that no change of behavior they make can reverse the decision.

After new living arrangements are made and custody issues (at least temporarily) settled, parents need to ensure that children have everything they need at both locations. A valued object at each house can help them feel more at home no matter where they are.

It’s also important that children be allowed to express disappointment, anger and other ‘negative’ feelings without reproach or denial. Seldom are such feelings permanent in children. But it isn’t helpful to tell them, however expressed, that ‘You don’t really mean that’. Typically, at least for that moment, they do indeed feel that way.

If the divorce, for at least a while, results in single parenthood, there are new challenges to be met. But those circumstances can offer new opportunities, as well. The absence of negatives – loud arguments, angry silences, etc – can in itself be an immediate benefit to the child. Rules and guidance can be established without the sometimes bitter debates that parents nearing divorce engage in.

Many children go through parental divorce, increasingly so since the 1970s. Studies show that, if the adults do their best to meet the difficulties maturely and with the child’s best interests in mind, children do not necessarily suffer long-term negative consequences.

And, for nearly all parents, that surely is among their highest goals.

Well, the big day has arrived. Son or daughter is about to spend his or her first day at preschool. Is your child nervous or fearful? Well, that’s natural. Here are some suggestions about how to make that first time a little less worrisome.

Research, research, research. Parents who want to do the best for themselves and their child (and that includes nearly everyone) will want to do lots of homework long before the child does any.

Finding out about quality preschools – which are good, which are to be avoided – is, of course, basic. Recommendations remain one of the best sources, and are usually easy to obtain since most preschools are relatively close to home or work and often used by others in the area.

Montessori (when they practice genuine Montessori methods) remain one of the best organizations around. But there are some, unfortunately, where the resemblance ends with hanging up the sign. Be sure to meet the teachers personally and ask probing questions that include hypothetical scenarios.

The ‘big day’ can be softened by making an effort for it not to be the first day the child has been away. Many children, along with the parents, will experience separation anxiety when being parted from a parent and placed in an unfamiliar environment. Others see it as an adventure. Children, like adults, are individuals with a wide range of responses.

Make the transition easier by making it gradual.

Spend some time away from the child while a trusted individual cares for him or her. Expand the time from a few minutes to an hour, to a few hours. Work up to it slowly. During the parents absence, have the caretaker practice some elementary ‘lessons’ with the child.

Then, move the action outside the home – to the neighbor’s house, or elsewhere unfamiliar. The first few times the new environment should include the parent, then with parent and caretaker (varying the time spent with both), then caretaker alone.

Set aside some time during the day to give the child formal ‘lessons’ that are a mixture of exploration and verbal or visual learning. The length of time will vary, of course, depending on the age and personality of the child, but should be extended gradually from a few minutes per day to an hour or more.

Most children are naturally curious, but one will express it differently from another. Assist that natural curiosity by relating the new material to the child’s individual context. This can spring from a shared sight viewed from the living room window or a movie or any of dozens of other experiences. Emphasis on exploring phenomena the child can see, touch and manipulate personally will go a long way toward feeding that young mind.

When possible, trade off the individual caretaker, switching genders if possible. Gradually exposing your child to new people in a familiar environment where they feel secure will help that first day seem like nothing new.

Of course, how to get the parent to overcome his or her ‘first day jitters’ is a completely separate topic…

A fundamental fact for almost all children is that eventually they grow older. But, sadly, not all grow up. If an individual is to have a hope of a happy life, a large amount of independence is essential.

Independence, here, does not mean never needing another person, nor creating every value that one needs – physical, intellectual and emotional – without any involvement from others. Life alone on a desert island would be harsh and dreary. But it does entail a significant amount of independence in the traditional sense. It means thinking and choosing for oneself, without undue influence or consideration of the views of others.

Why is that important?

Life presents everyone with choices, often difficult and sometimes unpleasant. When faced with such choices, each one of us has a fundamental alternative – to think for oneself and do what that tells us is best, or to be (relatively) mentally passive and simply do what others do or think should be done.

But to develop one’s own thinking ability, to exercise individual choice is to practice the basic skill that allows determining what is best. You can not become an athlete by watching others run, you must get on the track and use your own legs.

Sometimes that process will go astray. Sometimes heeding the advice of wiser or more knowledgeable and experienced people – parents, in many cases – would have indeed produced the best result. But as the child matures, the process of individuation is important if the results are to be a healthy person, not just a passive robot fortunate enough to have good advisors.

Advice from others can be enormously helpful to any person at any age. But at a certain point in the process, the decision to do this rather than that is presented to everyone. And, just like the athlete who never trains, performance in that task is affected by whether the person has done any independent exercise, or just drifted along.

It’s possible to make a mistake when you don’t give enough weight to the views of others, particularly those more experienced and thoughtful. But you retain the ability to correct your mistakes much more readily if you’ve made a practice of thinking for yourself.

Parents find it difficult to know when to let a maturing person make mistakes that they – with greater insight – can see will turn out badly. The desire to protect them is understandable and the frustration from being ignored even more so. But the most important task facing any parent is to encourage the healthy development of their child.

Sooner than we think that individual will be faced with the necessity of making decisions that are much more important. The practice they get exercising their faculties is essential to meeting those challenges.