Tips on Parenting

Some of the essential supplies your newborn will need are obvious, others take a bit of thought. But let’s be thorough, anyway.

Diapers. Who doesn’t think of those? But first-time parents sometimes woefully underestimate the number needed. If you go with disposable, be prepared for a big expense. If you go with re-usable diapers, be prepared for a lot of washing. Until someone invents a really keen device, there’s no perfect solution.

Changing brings up lots of other items that will be needed. Keeping your newborn clean is essential. That means lots of very soft cloths that absorb water well. A few smaller ones, including cotton balls, to swab on alcohol, oil or lotion from time to time can be lifesavers.

That leads us to medical supplies. Babies often get small, temporary conditions that will go away on their own like heat rash. But easing their discomfort is something every parent will want to do.

A little doctor-approved itch cream can be handy. Don’t forget the petroleum jelly, so useful in small sections for easing rough or dry spots. During the first few days of newborn life the umbilical is the route most often used by germs to cause infection. A little antibacterial ointment is a must. Gauze, a few bandage strips in various sizes and a little low-stick adhesive tape are good first-aid kit items, too.

For that occasional mucous plug, have on hand a working nasal aspirator. These little ‘turkey baster’-style devices are great. Sometimes that congestion signals a cold, though. Have a working digital thermometer in the cabinet.

Even everyday living will bring the need for a number of other essential newborn supplies.

Beyond diapers, many other items of clothing are critical for helping the newborn regulate temperature. Their hormone systems are still ‘learning’ to adapt to the outside world, so they chill or get too hot easily. A range of lightweight to heavier items can solve the problem with ease.

Soft t-shirts with large head openings and armholes are a must. Babies spit up, soil themselves and invariably get leaned up against things that make them dirty. You’ll be changing them often.

Have a variety of warmer items on hand, too. A cloth head covering is great. Like anyone, babies lose a lot of heat through their scalps. A little bonnet or hat can also keep harsh sunlight off the head and face. A baby’s skin is very sensitive to UV. Very brief periods of gentle sunshine is healthy. Harsh rays for extended periods are a sure bet to cause problems.

One of those potential problems is heat rash. Get a set of ‘onesies’, little one piece suits that have a flap to allow for easy diaper changing. Keep them loose, but get ones that have gathered wrist and ankle sleeves. Problem solved.

Those can also help solve the problem at the opposite end of the temperature scale. Cool breezes, or just low temperatures in general, can give the newborn a chill. Having adjustable clothing keeps them warm, but not too warm.

Don’t forget the booties!

Knowing when to require a child to obey and when to let them take the consequences of an independent choice is always a tough dilemma for parents. One pair of ideas that can help them are the twins: natural consequences and logical consequences.

Natural consequences are the reality-determined effect of some choice a child has made. Burning a hand on a hot stove is the most obvious and extreme example. No intervention on the parent’s part is needed to show the child the connection between its ill-chosen action and the bad result.

Feeling the effect of failing to stick to a commitment is a better, and typically safer, scenario. A child promises to save money in order to buy a bicycle. But he or she yields to temptation and spends the money instead on worthless junk that quickly breaks, then still expects to receive the bicycle.

In these cases, the parent need do nothing but simply allow the child to see the cause-effect relationship between choice and consequence. One of the advantages of this method is it works both ways. When the child makes a good choice he or she benefits, and in two ways. They have enacted something that results in a value to them, and they achieved that value independently. Those two reinforce one another in a positive feedback loop.

But, most parents (rightly so) won’t allow a young child to rush out into traffic to see for themselves the result of failing to look both ways. There are times when it’s necessary to employ logical consequences instead.

Logical consequences require the active participation of a parent in producing the outcome. But the parent makes clear that the parent’s choice is logically related to the choice made by the child.

Failing to return a video on time results in a late fee. Subtracting that fee from the weekly allowance is a logically related consequence, directly connected to the child’s failure to keep a commitment.

Sometimes more serious circumstances exist, where the consequences may be severe. A sixteen-year old girl who has unprotected sex with her seventeen-year old boyfriend risks becoming pregnant, a possible natural consequence. But a logical consequence can be employed to teach a lesson without enduring that degree of risk.

Those logical consequences can be as creatively diverse as the parents who are faced with the situation. They may involve severing the relationship between the pair – which rarely works. They may involve requiring more extensive supervision, restriction of the freedom to go to the mall or a dozen other alternatives. No ‘one-size-fits-all’ solution is possible, since teenagers are all individuals. But employing a logically related consequence is typically much more effective than mere punishment.

There are times when it’s safe to allow a child or teen to experience the natural result of their actions. In other cases, the consequences are too severe or long-lasting. Knowing when to employ which method will always be a difficult choice for parents. Let experience be your guide.

One of the first questions parents ask about homeschooling is: Does it work? They know the public schools have problems, but they wonder if they can do any better. Maybe, they say, we should try a little harder to afford private school. With something as important as their child’s education at stake, they’re understandably cautious.

But there are numerous, quality studies that show that homeschooling on average produces superior students. Part of that effect might be explained away by noting that parents have an effect on education no matter what route they take. A parent genuinely interested in the education of his or her child helps motivate the student, producing better results.

But there are enough cases, in a great enough variety to account for even that variable. And the bottom line remains; homeschooling is best.

According to one study sponsored by the U.S. Dept of Education, homeschool student test scores were ‘exceptionally high’. The median scores for every grade were much higher than those of public and even Catholic or private school students. The average homeschooled student in grades one through four were a grade level above their peers. By the time they reached the equivalent of 8th grade, they were four years ahead of those who attended public school.

Part of those results are the consequence of the public schools doing a very poor job, not just that homeschooling does better. But homeschooled students typically surpassed even private schools.

And costs were lower, too. Government schools spent on average $6,500 per student per year, private schools only $3,500. Homeschoolers spent just shy of $550 per student per year. Naturally, that last number doesn’t factor in the hours a parent spends for free that a teacher would be paid for.

The public school system evolved in the second half of the 19th century as state after state made attendance compulsory. If they had a superior value to offer, one wonders why they had to force parents to put their child in a public school.

One could argue that it was the ignorance of rural parents who didn’t see the value of education. Yet, illiteracy rates in 1840 Massachusetts were a low 2% of adults. By 1995, the figure was 19%, despite enormous advances in the technology of delivering materials. Libraries in 1840 were very rare, now they are everywhere. Books are inexpensive and easy to trade.

Over a million children are homeschooled in America every year. Thousands have attended colleges and universities, in many cases the most prestigious and difficult at which to be accepted. In homeschooling there is an absence of the peer pressure that mocks those who display an eagerness to learn. Instead, there is an interested parent or tutor who encourages the best within the student.

The results are in. Homeschooling works, superlatively.

Few subjects in parenting are as fundamental, or as important, as communication. Humans function so much by language, whether implicit or explicit, that learning how to communicate effectively affects virtually every other sphere of family relations.

But developing good strategies for good communication, based on sound ideas, is extremely complicated. Individuals differ so widely in age, temperament and circumstances that outlining a ‘one size fits all’ approach is guaranteed to fail at the outset.

Does that mean that every parent has to start from scratch and simply improvise for 20 years? Fortunately, no. Both cognitive studies and generations of experience have shown that some methods do work better than others.

One essential element is suggested in the short list above. Since individuals differ in those ways and so many more, a method that accepts that fundamental fact has a better chance of producing healthy results.

An effective communication approach between parent and child will start with openly recognizing facts. Just as good communication between adults requires honesty, so will that between parent and child. Children, as any parent knows, are very intuitive. They sense very quickly when they are being lied to.

That doesn’t imply that parents must, or should, be so frank as to answer fully every question put to them. Parents are individuals too and are entitled to a sphere that respects their privacy.

How much to share, and in what manner, will take into account the individual child’s age and level of genuine interest. For example, when communicating ‘lessons’ about appropriate behavior with respect to other people’s property, picking the time and place is helpful.

Using a shared experience, such as a TV program being watched or something seen while on a joint shopping trip, can be a good springboard. At the same time, approaching the talk in a way that makes it a discussion rather than a lecture will benefit both parent and child.

The child sees that his or her viewpoint is respected while they benefit from the experience and ability to articulate that the parent has in greater abundance. Despite their occasional bravado, children know they don’t know as much as adults and look to them for input. When that input is delivered in a respectful, honest manner most children will respond appropriately most of the time – provided the approach is followed consistently.

Children are also very intuitive about sensing hypocrisy and observant about any inconsistency between ‘the rules’ and the parent’s behavior. Sometimes embarrassingly so!

Part of that process involves being willing to listen attentively and fully to the child’s point of view. Most parents know the delight of hearing the wisdom ‘out of the mouths of babes’ that children can exhibit. The child’s honest appraisal of what they observe is often insightful and refreshing.

Echoing back, in the parent’s own words, what the child has said will help both parties. The child observes that they have been listened to, while at the same time gaining additional insight from the experience of the parent. The parent gains the deep satisfaction of observing his or her child develop and the joy of interacting with an individual who is immensely important to them.

One form of this is sometimes called the ‘stop, look and listen’ approach. It entails – when feasible – stopping what the parent is doing, looking directly at the child and listening completely without interruption before responding.

It helps the child practice communication in an atmosphere of respect and allows the parent to get hugely important information about what their child is attending to and how he or she is processing that experience.

The phrase is overworked, but this is one approach that is truly a win-win situation.

Parenting is the most difficult ‘job’ in the world. The process lasts longer than most modern careers. It requires a larger investment – in time and money – than just about any other activity. The complexity of choices is greater and the outcome more uncertain. Greater patience is needed and the roller coaster of emotions steeper than any other undertaking.

Parents have to learn, virtually from scratch, a range of new skills — and they have to get it as close to right as possible the first time. Relatively simple diaper changing rapidly gives way to complex medical conundrums. Educating a child, both intellectually and ethically, not to mention choosing among formal education alternatives, is a serious and difficult process.

Dealing with divorce and single-parenthood, safety, emotional well-being and a spectrum of practical and value situations can tax the best parents. These, and many more situations, often offer puzzles to solve that have inherently mixed practical, psychological and ethical dimensions.

Mix in the elements of grandparents, media reports and ‘expert advice’, educators’ views, other children and many other outside influences – both on the parents and the child – and you have one hellishly difficult stew to filter.

Parents who successfully negotiate the maze often have some basic characteristics in common.

Parents with the ability to view life’s challenges with a sense of confidence and resiliency go a long way toward instilling those characteristics in their children. Those who show respect toward spouses – and their children – help grow that quality in the child in two ways. It helps grow self-respect in the child and leads the child to a proper respect for the rights and value of others.

Parents who early on demonstrate a sense of fair play when deciding among competing claims give children a good foundation in many ways. The child benefits from the justice shown toward their valid concerns, while at the same time getting the proper view that becomes valuable in later life.

Along with these values, parents who demonstrate the willingness to devote time to listening and sharing experiences establish a foundation of life-long trust and love.

Life doesn’t always reward good behavior. But, fortunately, all the effort made to be a good parent pays off in a hundred ways. Raising children well is a tremendous source of pride and joy, and rightly so. Helping provide the skills – intellectual, emotional, ethical and social – needed to thrive in an increasingly complex society rewards parents many times over.

Parents are right to enjoy both the practical results of their efforts and the deep emotional satisfaction that comes from the process and the outcome. Few ‘careers’ consistently offer such high dividends for a ‘job well done’.

Teaching responsibility is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. It is here that parents most often worry about the dilemma of stifling individual choice versus inculcating values and habits that lead to appropriate behavior.

The political parallel of that dilemma is the reasonable desire for maximum individual freedom, but the need that arises to respect the rights of others. The way out of the dilemma is to recognize that healthy self-interest and respect for others not only do not conflict but reinforce one another.

Being ‘responsible’ in the most fundamental sense of that term means ‘being the cause of or the agent that produced some effect’. Recognizing that the causes we initiate lead to good or bad consequences is part of a view of responsibility called ‘logical consequences’.

Connecting the child’s chosen actions with consequences for the child allows him or her to make the connection by choice, rather than being imposed from the outside. When that is done, the connection has a much greater tendency to ‘stick’, while at the same time being viewed as fair and reasonable, since it was chosen rather than forced.

Extreme examples sometimes best help clarify the principle involved. A teen flirting with drug use might be ‘scared straight’ by being exposed to the real-life consequences that habitual drug users invariably experience: bad health, jail, etc.

But one can use the idea in much less serious circumstances. Most individuals past the age of 5 or so grasp that being treated the same as others in similar circumstances is part of the essence of fairness.

This insight helps the parent show the child that failing to accept responsibility for, say, cleaning the room or getting ready for school on time inconveniences parents. Connecting the refusal to study with the likelihood of a bad grade is another common example.

Removal of privileges for failure to take responsibility is rarely greeted cheerfully, but provided the consequences are seen as fair most children will accept them and learn the proper lesson.

One key to successfully implementing this strategy is to ensure that the connection between cause and consequences is something the child can grasp at his or her level of development. It’s pointless to tell a five-year-old that failing to practice pitching two hours per day will keep them out of the Major Leagues.

On the other hand, connecting the refusal to study diligently with the failure to get into a desired college – and the attendant long-term consequences – is perfectly appropriate for a teen in High School.

Parents should keep in mind, however, that rarely are consequences life-threatening or irreversible.

A teen that chooses not to exert the effort to get good grades one semester is unlikely to be damaged for life. There are many good schools besides Princeton and Stanford that do not require perfect grades.

Similarly, unless the child is in immediate physical danger it’s sometimes the case that doing nothing is (at least temporarily) the best approach. Sometimes allowing that extra bit of freedom to, say, not clean up the room today or skip chores, leads to a child who appreciates the breathing space. Even adults get vacations.

The highest probability of success will come from recognizing that children, like adults, have free will. Studies show that the amount of influence parents can exert over children is limited. Setting reasonable expectations, then being firm (but not bullying) is often the best one can do.

Remember, you are raising a person with the capacity to think, an individual in whom you hope to encourage self-responsibility. A duty-driven robot is an unhealthy individual just as much as is an out of control, self-indulgent whim-worshiper.